


November Blue

by ofthedells



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Avett Brothers, College AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, I'll add more - Freeform, Leaving, M/M, Medication, Modern AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pancakes, Panic Attack, inspired by the song November Blue, jean and marco - Freeform, jeanmarco, panic disorder, possible triggering with the panic attack, so I might make this a few more chapters?, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:11:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4695056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofthedells/pseuds/ofthedells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean can only think of the things he does wrong. How he hurts the people in his life and betrays them, especially his boyfriend, Marco. Convinced that they hate him he leaves one rainy morning but Marco goes to find him and reassure him. He can only hope Jean is okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Idk if this could trigger someone but Jean does have a panic attack (sorry for the spoiler there hah) Also this hasn't been proofread yet sorry...  
> (if the text has *s surrounding it it is jean's destructive thoughts)

Tell me I'm not leaving, you're everything I dreamed  
I'm killing myself thinking, I've fallen like the leaves  
-November Blue, The Avett Brothers  
\--------

It was raining that day. Jean had woken up at five in the morning, or rather he didn’t sleep the night before. He heard that fat plops of rain splatter onto the remaining leaves on the trees and fall onto those on the ground. It was his favorite time of the year, November. He loved the rain. He loved the leaves and how they splattered the sidewalks like paint.

He gulped. He loved his boyfriend. Marco. Jean and Marco were currently tangled together on the bed. They shared an apartment together; they lived in a sixplex just off their college campus with most of their friends. If they lived all alone Jean would be more hesitant to leave. He knew Marco would be okay.

Jean barely breathed as he tried to quietly free himself from Marco’s embrace. They, Marco, had fallen asleep around midnight watching a movie. Jean didn’t remember movie, his eyes had been on Marco the entire time. Memorizing his scent. The way he laughed. The way his eyes filled with warmth when he thought something was funny, the way they deepened into a cold brown when he encountered something sad. He tried to count all his freckles. Jean knew that all he was doing was hurting himself by remembering these things, but he couldn’t bear to forget him.

Jean quietly slid out of Marco’s arms and pulled his left leg out from under Marco’s. He quietly moved to the edge and began to stir. Marco moved slightly. Jean froze as Marco readjusted his position. He sighed in relief that he wasn’t awake.

He stood up and stretched quietly. He looked around their one room apartment, scanning for anything left. While Marco slept he slowly and methodically removed everything he owned, He took pictures of himself out of the few frames they were in, crumpling them into his backpack. He packed away all his clothes, even the hoodie Marco loved best. He didn’t leave anything to remind Marco of him. He hoped Marco would wake up and not even notice he left.

Jean picked up his bag and made it to the door when he heard Marco. He heart slammed against his chest and his breath quickened

“Jean?” He murmured sleepily, propping himself up on one elbow. “Where are ya goin’?”

Jean forced a smile on his face and turned slightly. “Just running out real quick.” He replied soothingly. “It’s nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“If you insist.” Marco replied, burying his face into his pillow. Jean stared at him for a moment. He looked so peaceful, covered in white blankets and pillows. An angel. It was a perfect scene. Jean waited until he was asleep.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered hoarsely, tears pricking at his eyes. “Love ya.” He almost smiled.

With that he stepped out of the door and walked down the stairs to the main door, he unlocked it and once outside locked it again. Slipping them into the envelope that held his letter, he held it close to his chest for a moment. Then he threw it through the mail slot in the door and walked hurriedly down the street.

A million thoughts raced through his mind. He knew his friends would hate him, he knew Marco would hate him, if he didn’t already, he knew Marco would be devastated. He almost turned around then, determined to make Marco happy. But then that little voice pierced his thoughts again.

*What makes you think you can make him happy by staying, hmm?*

*The reason you’re leaving is to make him happy.*

*He hates you, Jean. They all hate you.*

*I hate you.*

*I hate myself.*

He cringed and knew that he was making the right decision. Marco didn’t want him around. He’d probably wake up thankful. He’d probably talk to their friends saying things like.

“I woke up and he was gone! A miracle right?”

“I can finally get some sleep! He won’t bother me with his stupid paranoid shit.”

“I won’t be forced to kiss that nasty face ever again!”

His, no, Marco’s friends would all probably smirk and congratulate him. Eventually Jean Kirstein would be a figure from the past. They’d maybe make a joke about him once in a while, but otherwise he’d be banished from their minds.

The tears were really flowing out of his eyes now. He was so close to the bus stop, but he couldn’t go like this! What would they think of him? All puffy eyed and sniveling. They’d either think he was a total wimp or they’d think he had a cold.

*They probably won’t let your sorry ass on the bus.*

He thought to himself. He decided to wait until he was calm and catch the next bus. He wandered into the park by the bus stop and sat on a bench by a tree. It wasn’t as sheltered as he had hoped it would be, but at least he was alone. He watched the rain splatter all over the leaves.

He needed to calm down. He tried to name all the colors on the trees. Purple. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Green and yellow. Purple and orange. He sighed and closed his eyes. He still felt nervous but it wasn’t as bad. Nothing and nobody could calm him down as well as Marco could, but he didn’t need to burden Marco with that.

Jean closed his eyes for a brief moment, listening to the rain. He zoned out for a moment and before he knew it the next bus had come and gone.

*Idiot. You’ll never get out of here.*

“Shit! Shit!” He pulled at his hair, watching the bus pull away. He crouched on the damp ground.

*What are you supposed to do now? What if Marco sees you? He expects you to be gone. When you aren’t you’ll just be hurting him.*

Jean couldn’t imagine hurting Marco, the person he loved most.

*Again.*

Jean’s head pounded. Again? Again? He didn’t know what to do. He tried to think of everything he had done wrong to Marco. If he listed it all, he reasoned he could figure out what he did the worst and didn’t have to think of it anymore.

There was the time he didn’t want to go to a movie with all of their friends and Marco had to stay home with him. The time he‘d missed class because he was sick and Marco had to explain everything to him, over and over again because Jean was such an idiot. The time that he got Marco sick. The time he walked in on Marco, who was practically sobbing, and Marco didn’t trust him enough to tell him why.

And then there were the countless times he had woken Marco up odd times every night because he was feeling stupid or anxious. It was always over dumb stuff anyway. Nothing he needed to wake up for.

*You hurt him over and over again.*

No! I didn’t want to! I love him!

*Over and over again.*

Shut up! Jean was sweating and his heart raced. The colorful leaves seemed far away, he didn’t feel the rain falling down on him.

*Over and over and over and over again.*

Jean began to hyperventilate and shake. His stomach lurched. He felt unsteady.

*Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and ove-*

“Jean!”

He thought he was going crazy. First his own voice yelling at him, his own self, but now someone else too? It sounded like Marco...

“Jean!”

Jean felt two arms wrap around him and shake him slightly.

“Jean are you okay?” It sounded like Marco.

“Jean.” Marco was quiet and calm. He placed his hands over Jean’s ears. The noise of cars in the street and the heavy raining was replaced by Jean’s rapid heartbeat.

Marco slowly reached one hand up to Jean’s head and grasped his hand. Jean’s grip on his hair loosened and he opened his eyes. Marco was crouching beside him. His warm body was pressed against Jean’s damp one.

*He’s going to get all cold and wet. Look what you did!*

Jean’s eyes widened and filled with tears. He gasped shortly and his heart pounded.

“Breathe Jean.” He slowly uncovered Jean’s ears and grasped his hands.

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. That’s it.” He demonstrated. Jean felt like an idiot. He had a panic attack and his best friend, his boyfriend was being forced to help him. He was calm now though.

“I’m sorry I jus-“ He started. Marco slowly placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We can talk later. Right now you need to come home and get changed into something dry. I don’t want you to get sick.”

He was worried?

Jean let Marco help him to his feet. He shakily brushed the leaves that clung to his backside off. Marco draped a jacket over him and pulled out his umbrella. He lead Jean back home and into the apartment. Jean sat on the bed and let Marco pull off his soaked boots, he felt like a little kid. He pulled off his hoodie and his jeans. He pulled some pajamas out of his backpack and put them on.

Marco passed him a hot cup of chamomile tea. He took a slow sip.

“Marco I-“

“Shhh.” Before he knew it Marco was hugging him” He put the tea on the nightstand and laid down in his bed. Marco wiggled in behind him and pulled the covers over them both and held him tightly, pressing his warm body against Jean’s cold one.

“How did you find me?” Jean croaked.

“Something was off when you left this morning and I found your note.” Marco said, resting his head of Jean’s shoulder. He tightened his grip slightly.

“Jean.”

“Hm?”

“Have you… have you stopped taking your medicine?”

Jean froze. He had run out two weeks ago. “I didn’t wanna trouble you. I couldn’t find a ride to the pharmacy and I didn’t wanna walk past the convenience store again and-”

“Jean!”

Jean tugged on his hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry Marco, I-”

Marco put his hand over Jean’s and his grip on his hair loosened. “Jean I don’t want you ever thinking you are a burden to me again. I love you.” He killed underneath Jean’s ear. “The only thing that drives me crazy is when you don’t ask for my help.”

Jean was silent for a minute. “I’m sorry. It got kind of crazy. I was going to tell you but I never found the right time and you seemed busy and then i-” He stopped. What if he confessed that he thought Marco hated him and Marco confirmed his fears? Jean trembled slightly.

*He probably will, dipshit.*

“What Jean? Everything is okay. You can tell me.”

“I kinda convinced myself that you hated me? And all I did was hurt you.”

Marco sat up and looked at Jean, who in turn buried himself in his blanket.

“Jean. Never in my life have you hurt me so badly that I could hate you.”

Jean gulped. “What about that time when I didn’t wanna go out that night so you had to stay home too?”

“Jean.” Marco’s eyes softened and he leaned on his elbow, running his fingers through Jean’s hair. “I don’t care where we go as long as I get to be with you.”

“Or when you had to explain those notes over and over again because I was so dumb?”

Marco chuckled. “It took the whole class around two days before we could even comprehend those notes.”

“Well then I got you sick?”

“You had no control over that. You warned me, remember? You were all ‘Marco I don’t wanna get you sick’ and I was like ‘chill it’s fine.’ I knew what was coming.”

“But I always wake you u-”

“If you didn’t talk to me about your anxieties I’d be worried. I’m used to it and I’m glad you opened up to me about them!”

Jean took in a deep breath and talked low. “Last week when I walked in and you were crying. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me what was wrong. I’m not trustworthy.”

Marco stopped and eased down onto the bed so he was facing Jean. “I was worried about you. You weren’t yourself and now I know why. I didn’t want to startle you or hurt your feelings.”

Even Jean’s crueler voice couldn’t say anything about that/ He reached up and touched Marco’s freckles with the tip of his finger. He leaned in and kissed Marco’s nose before snuggling up against him and breathing in Marco’s scent. He smelled like cookies.

Jean fell into a dreamless sleep.


	2. In Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco's POV, he just wants Jean to be okay.

Get on your knees  
And I thought you can leave it all in your mind (it is)  
All in your mind (it is)  
-Open Season, High Highs

\----

Marco held Jean until he felt his breathing steady. Then he quietly rose and unpacked Jean’s bag. He was used to the routine. Except Jean had never left before, he did things like this sometimes. Pack a bag and hover nervously. This time he had been more discreet.

Marco’s biggest fear was that he actually wanted to leave.

First thing after the bag was unpacked, he called Jean’s doctor and told them what happened. They had another prescription sent to the pharmacy to be picked up that afternoon. Doctor Hange had done so much for the couple, when the dorm life became too much for Jean’s anxiety they suggested this place, they had friends living here and told them the rent was cheap.

Jean wasn’t always so anxious and panicky, just when he stopped taking his medicine. It happened every so often. They couldn’t afford to see a good enough therapist so the medicine and Marco were all he had.

Jean had panic disorder. His mom had it and it had begun when he was a teenager. The panic attacks. Jean began to feel afraid to leave the house. He went to online high school. Marco didn’t know much about his family but his parents were divorced and his dad “didn’t give a shit that Jean was a wimp” and forced him to attend college, he said “he’d get over it soon.”

Luckily Jean met Marco and all of their friends. He began to live a normal life. He took his medication, but still every once in a while he’ll forget to pick up his medicine or refill it and didn’t want to be a burden. That’s when bad things began to happen.

Marco’s phone buzzed.

“Pancakes? Everyone is upstairs at my place (/ ﾟ▽ﾟ)/ <3 Krista*  
He smiled. Pancakes had become the friend group’s Saturday morning thing. They all gathered in Krista and Ymir’s place to eat and watch TV and just relax. He didn’t know if it was a good idea for Jean though.

He walked over to their mini fridge in the “ktichen” space. Which was really just a counter, one cupboard, a sink and a microwave. It was enough. Ymir and Krista’s apartment was better. He opened the cupboard to see one can of mandarin oranges. Not enough for breakfast.

“Pancakes?” He heard Jean say, half yawning. He turned to see his sleepy boyfriend stretching on the side of the bed.

“Only if you want.” He walked over and kissed his nose. “Otherwise we won’t have anything else to eat.” He laughed.

Jean blushed and reached up to kiss Marco back on the cheek. “I’ll be okay. I feel better now.”

“That’s good. Later this afternoon we’ll pick up your medication alright?”

Jean faltered. “Oh no…” Marco thought.

“Uh I’m glad we’re going too because I really need some new notebooks and they sell them there.” Marco smiled. He didn’t want Jean to think he was a burden.

Suddenly they heard loud laughter above them. Jean smirked at Marco and hopped up, grabbing his hand. The two headed up the stairs and stopped before the door.

“Deep breaths.” Marco said. “These are your friends.” He squeezed Jean’s hand and opened the door.

Ymir and Krista were hovering in the kitchen, their place was much nicer. A fuller kitchen with an island, they just didn’t have a bedroom. They propped a futon in front of the TV though and it all worked out. Eren and Mikasa sat at the island, Eren was in the middle of telling some story, his hands flying up in the air when he came to a part he found exciting. Connie was restraining Sasha as she drooled over the stove, surveying the bacon. Ymir laughed and flicked her with the batter. Armin sat in Annie’s lap on the couch, they were watching some documentary about the ocean.

Everyone stopped when they went in. They all glanced at the two. They knew that when the ever prickly Jean held his boyfriend’s hand that something must be up. It quieted.

“Welcome guys! Everything will be ready in a few minutes.” Ymir called. Marco shot her a thankful glance and everyone went back to what they were doing.

Marco led Jean to the futon. He made conversation with Armin and Annie while Jean sat quietly on Marco’s otherside. Eventually Armin saw something that caught his attention and trailed off mid sentence to observe it.

Marco glanced at Jean. Something was still wrong. When Jean begins to feel uneasy he totally zones out. He once described it as sort of a conversation with himself but Marco didn’t buy it. Jean would just stare at something random, not really registering it. His eyebrows would tilt slightly and the corners of his mouth would turn down. He acted like someone was lecturing him or yelling at him. His hands were clenched and he looked down.

Marco didn’t recognize Jean at these times. He seemed, smaller. Like a little bit of himself had slipped and fell away. He wanted to reach into his mind and shake him until the bad fell away like the leaves from the trees

Marco leaned his head on Jean’s shoulder. Jean looked at him, surprised. Marco tapped his nose playfully.

“Love you.” He leaned up and held one of Jean’s cheeks with his hand, the other hand still entwined with Jean’s. He kissed Jean for a while and slowly pulled away.

“Aww!” Sasha yelled from the room.

“Either get a room or get some pancakes. Eren said, already shoving two in his mouth.”

“Cute.” Annie said in a scary, stern voice.”

Jean blushed and looked away. It seemed that the rest of him caught back up and patched back together. Marco smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo sorry if this took a little, school just started so it'll be hard to update this :p anyway, I'm gonna add more stuff so rn the text and the tags ands tuff are just kinda bare.
> 
> !!!!Hey also I don't actually know that much about panic disorder? I've been checking stuff out online so what I have right now may or may not be accurate? I really want to make sure everything i'm writing is true and stuff so if anyone has info please tell me! You can comment or send me a message on my tumblr (it's on my profile)!!!!!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it 0_0

**Author's Note:**

> YO I'd really appreciate thoughts on this, it was inspired by an Avett Brothers song called November Blue  
> (lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_avett_brothers/november_blue.html  
> song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV_SyNfnPxI)
> 
> I kinda wanna continue this and add another chapter but first I'd like to know what anybody thinks? If you think that is a good idea tell me!! Thanks for reading!


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